By Paula Bianchi –
I had every intention of writing about ghost hunting, but the theme of “can’t” keeps popping up in my life through myself and others. The more I think about the food I can’t have anymore; the more I find myself struggling with winning this mind game. Not only do I experience the emotions that come with it for myself, but I’m also feeling empathy for others as I watch them dealing with their own mind game of can’t.
When we’re young, we take so many things for granted. We just lived care free eating and drinking whatever we wanted. We played sports that were hard on our bodies with the hopes of making a career out of it. We abused our bodies with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. What we ate or how we treated our bodies definitely catches up to us when we get older. At the time when we’re doing these things to ourselves, we’re never considering the toll it’s taking on our body, mind, and spirit.
My daily habit of having hot sauce on my breakfast every morning, with coffee, has caught up to me in the form of severe acid reflux. When I drank that terrible chalk stuff for the doctor to see what was going on, I could see, on the x-ray screen, as the liquid went down my esophagus into my stomach, only to loop around then come right back out. The valve that closes it off doesn’t work anymore, so all that acid has been coming back up my esophagus for years and that’s not good. It can lead to cancer. Great. Oh, lucky me. But I did it to myself.
I walked out of my visit with a long list of what I can’t eat or drink anymore. I waited until I got home to read it. I’m glad I did because it just made me cry. Everything I love to eat is on that list. I stood in the middle of our fully stocked kitchen, but all I could eat was sandwiches, chicken noodle soup, and cereal. Why? Because everything I knew how to cook, I couldn’t have anymore. So that’s what I ate for the first 3 weeks of my new diet as I watched everyone eat what I wanted to eat. I was in denial of my new reality which made me fall into a deep depression.
My thoughts were pulling me down. All I could focus on was what I can’t have anymore. Any commercial or ad for food I saw, I would get sad because I can’t eat it. I go to a friend or family get togethers’, and all I can find to eat is bread or salads. I considered bringing my own food, but it sure makes you stand out. It’s such a difficult mind game to win.
What made matters worse was the ripple effect my new reality brought to my husband. His total support of me has been my one shining light. He knew it was hard for me to continue cooking things I could no longer eat, so he started fending for himself. I’ll still make my spaghetti for everyone on special occasions or get togethers’, and I changed up a couple dishes I used to cook, so I can still have something my husband and I could eat together.
As the weeks passed on, I finally hit a wall in my denial. I realized if I was going to win this mind game, I was going to have to accept it as my new norm. I ordered a couple of acid reflux recipe books on my Kindle and found a few that I liked. I lived my new lifestyle for weeks. The food was okay, but it had a lot of new earthy spices that I wasn’t used to. I missed garlic. With that one thought, my mind game started listing off all the things I wished I could eat instead. I was having a hard time liking and getting used to my new food. It was taking so much of my time to plan and cook my new meals, all for just me. My husband is a picky eater, and I had changed my eating patterns to match his, but there’s no way he’s gonna change his to match mine. He just can’t do it.
After weeks of preparing and cooking my new diet, I started to hate cooking. I was resentful that I had to change. It was turning out to be a lot of work for just myself. If I had someone, who could cook all the stuff I’m supposed to eat for me, I’d have no problem accepting my new norm. I just don’t want to decide what to eat anymore.
So here I am. Back at square one again in dealing with my mind game. I eat cereal most days because it’s easier than cooking. Some days I get mad over the situation, while other days, I just feel sad. I no longer enjoy thinking about food. I’ve finally reached a point where I agree with my husband when he says, we should just take a pill instead of eating.
This is the mind game that I’ve been living with. It pales in comparison to what others may be dealing with. Some people are living with an even harder can’t. Imagine not being able to use a part of your body, or you can’t rely on your memories, or you can’t control what your body does anymore. You can’t see or hear anything. You can’t breathe anymore because of all the cigarettes you’ve smoked, or your organs are shutting down, so you can’t pee anymore from all the drugs or alcohol you’ve used.
I’m sure many of you can relate to the state of living with can’t in your lives because it comes in many shapes and sizes. Please feel free to share your “can’t” below. Our bodies need to last us a lifetime. How long is that going to be for you?
In my next metaphysical article, I’ll write about them ghosts. Lol. Thanks for your visit and your time. Bye for now.